The Buddy System, Does it Work?

I recently spoke to a life-coach friend of mine regarding ways to tackle stopping OCD. She asked me to describe the experience of what I call an ‘OCD possession’ in detail. As I described it, we together realized that there is always a trigger, or a source to why the compulsion seems to ‘take over’ me entirely. We arranged it so that I would reach out to her, either online or phone call, when I feel an OCD possession coming on. So I tried it, and I must admit, it was very difficult to do at first.

The first point I faced were the excuses my mind would throw at me in the moments before I would call her. I would feel the OCD possession coming on, and I would think about calling her, and my mind would come up with so many reasons why I should not call. The excuses looked like this: ‘she is too busy to receive a call from me’, or ‘this is silly, I can do this without her’ (I couldn’t), and so on.

I forced myself to reach out to her on Viber. I told her I was having urges to pick my skin. We looked behind the urges, and it turned out that I was anxious about going to meet with a group of people. I was anticipating all the judgments they would think about me because of my skin. My friend suggested this is a form of projected self-judgment, wherein I was taking my own self-judgement and projecting it in to the future, and ‘attaching’ it to my ideas of others and how I was guessing others would look at me (the same way I look at myself: in extreme judgment for what I do to myself).

It turns out that I judge myself more harshly than anybody, and I create in my mind this harsh world ‘out there’ that is painful to live and function in. But the reality is that I have created this within myself, and then projected it on to the world.

Yes, it’s true that, from time to time, I have received harsh judgment from others. But when I actually experience that judgment, it is not usually as bad as it is in my mind. Judgment from others does happen, and I will look at this in another blog. But for now, I have realized that the greatest, harshest, judgment I endure actually comes from within me, and this is great news!

Why is this great news? Because of the power of self-forgiveness. Returning back now to the scenario where my life-coach friend and I found the source of my anxiety as I was feeling the compulsion to pick my skin before going out to meet a group of friends – the moment she suggested I was projecting my self-judgment on to my friends, I began to forgive myself (I will post the self-forgiveness below). As I forgave myself, the pressure and anxiety went away, and I could move myself.

In the next blog, I will describe the second resistance I faced, how I walked through it, and the outcome of the scenario that was VERY different than how things usually play out!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear facing a group of people with imperfect skin.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the judgement I may receive from people regarding the blemishes on my skin.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the secret thoughts that others may have about me because it is apparent that I pick my skin.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the thoughts I think others may be having lead me to fall into an ocd possession and actually end up picking my skin/picking my skin more, thus manifesting that which I am actually fearing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the thoughts I think others are having, affect Who and How I am within myself, and how I experience myself, instead of ME deciding who and How I am, and directing how I experience myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project my own self-judgment about Who and How I am within OCD onto others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for picking my skin.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for having fallen into an OCD possession, leaving marks on my skin.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as weak/flawed/imperfect/out of control when I pick my skin so much that it leaves blemishes.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my mind being exposed to the world when I have marks which show the true nature of my mind.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to live and move myself within forgiveness, instead of constantly being harsh and judgmental towards myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be hard on myself most of the time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel the need to punish myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive I need to be punished.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to punish myself and be harsh and judgmental with myself instead of changing myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear changing myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing OCD.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear self-movement.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear living fully.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist reaching out to my buddy when I feel an ocd possession coming on.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel undeserving of assistance and support for OCD because I feel like it’s my problem that I created, it is my burden and no one else should have to deal with it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make excuses for why I shouldn’t reach out for assistance and support when and as I can see that I am going into an OCD possession, instead of embracing any and all support I can get to walk myself through stopping this disorder.

I will continue in my next post: ‘The Buddy System, Does it Work? (part two)‘

 

The Fear of Being Ugly (part seven)

Continuing from my previous self-forgiveness statements, scripting out here my self-corrections and self-commitments to stop the patterns I live that do not support myself, nor anything or anyone else, and to change these to patterns of self-support that can be lived out daily, in every breath:

These self-commitments and self-corrections are derived from the self-forgiveness statements from Day 169- Dermatillomania: The Fear of Being Ugly, which I would highly suggest reading for context and for its own merit.

When and as I see that I am going into self-judgment based on how others are treating me, (either positive or negative- both being the same, as in two sides of the same coin- the point being that I am being influenced by my environment/others in any way whatsoever), I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to SELF-expression, by reminding myself that I can laugh at myself, and not take my self-image so seriously that I would be influenced by another’s reaction to it. I am ‘stuck’ with me no matter how others view me, react to me, or respond to me. I am responsible to make the determining calls for Who and How I am, and no one else is able to do that for me. I Take Myself Back from the direction of others by Grounding Myself within/as the Reality Of Myself, which I accept, with Full Knowing of the process I am walking and all that which I still need to do, which is a lot, and if I am called out on or made aware of a point I have not yet dealt with, then it is merely a point that requires attention, presenting itself into my awareness. I direct myself to express myself as ME, as Who I Am at the moment, for the moment, and in this, I get to know myself, and develop self-intimacy.

I commit myself to clear my starting point before, during, within and as interactions with others.

I commit myself to either stand up, or to humble myself without compromise, when and as I see that I am getting a positive or negative charge out of an interaction.

When and as I see that I am defining or judging myself as ‘ugly’, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-acceptance by reminding myself that the picture is not what is important- but is the result of what kind of care I am giving myself. I direct myself to look at myself in self-acceptance, wherein, when and as I look, nothing moves within me.

When and as I see that I am defining and judging myself as ‘pretty’, ‘sexy’, or ‘beautiful’, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-honesty within the realization that basing my self-acceptance on my picture presentation is equal and one to basing my self-acceptance within energetic relationships which have no substance or stability- which will thus then enslave me to the constant ups and downs of energy instead of the constancy, consistency, and stability that I am able to develop by basing my starting point on Who I Am as substance, and what my outflows are as physical actions and words. This I am able to decide in awareness and develop with intention.

I commit myself to clearing my self-relationship with my picture presentation to one where Who I Am and how I look are one and equal to that which I create in self-awareness, which is value, worth, self-care, self-honouring, self-acceptance, self-will, self-direction, assertiveness, steadfastness, and self-commitment to be and become equal to and one with all that is Here.

I commit myself to stop the reactions and judgments that come up within me as thoughts/ideas/feeling/emotions/perceptions/beliefs and internal conversation when and as I look at or see myself and my picture presentation.