The Fear of Being Ugly (part 5, final)


Continuing from my previous self-forgiveness statements, scripting out here my self-corrections and self-commitments to stop the patterns I live that do not support myself nor anything or anyone else, and change them to patterns of self-support that can be lived daily, in every breath:

These self-commitments and self-corrections are derived from the self-forgiveness statements from Day 169- Dermatillomania: The Fear of Being Ugly, which I would highly suggest reading for context and for its own merit.

When and as I see that I am striving to be beautiful, contorting and manipulating myself in order to obtain what I perceive as a higher standard of beauty, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-support by checking myself, if it is my posture, I take a moment to relax and find a position that is physically comfortable. If it is my clothes, I ensure that I am simply dressed appropriately, in clothes that are practical for the situation, comfortable, and physically supportive, if it is hair or face/body, I focus instead on breathing, and on Who I Am within what I’m doing, instead of ‘how I look’ within that which I am busy with. I remind myself to breathe into myself as substance, as I substantiate myself as Life Here.

I commit myself to remain vigilant about bringing myself back from thoughts about appearance and into actual actions, words, presence and awareness.

I commit myself to push myself as diligence, assertiveness and steadfastness, to replace feeding my energy body as my perceived perception of how I appear, with breathing myself back into my physical body, feeling myself in my body, as my body.

When and as I see that I am seeking to feel better about myself based on appearance/how I appear, or that I feel worse about myself based on appearance/how I appear, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-honesty by reminding myself that I am no greater and no less than exactly Who I Am at any given moment, and the Who that I Am is only ever the result of Who I have accepted and allowed myself to be, and Who I Am pushing myself to be and become.

I commit myself to take responsibility for my internal feeling/emotion body.

I commit myself to realize that so long as I attempt to manipulate and change my internal experience based on my external environment, that always mean my starting point is equall and one to that of being/feeling ‘less-than’ myself as self-honesty.

I commit myself to brutal self-honesty about exactly Who and How I am, and where I’m at, until I simply Am, Here.

The Fear of Being Ugly (part four)


Continuing from my previous self-forgiveness statements, scripting out here my self-corrections and self-commitments to stop the patterns I live that do not support myself nor anything or anyone else, and change them to patterns of elf-support that can be lived daily, in every breath:

These self-commitments and self-corrections are derived from the self-forgiveness statements from Day 169- Dermatillomania: The Fear of Being Ugly, which I would highly suggest reading for context and for its own merit.
I commit myself to see, realize and understand that whenever I judge another I am merely judging my projected self, and within this I commit myself to see past and through the veil of my projected self-judgment, beyond which is an actual other human being with whom I can experience myself and explore my own self intimacy through getting to know myself with and as another.

I commit myself to stop the judgmental thoughts by instead focusing on breath, and learning and understanding others and who and how they are, what their influences were/are and to learn from them by integrating the qualities I admire and see are beneficial, and changing those qualities that I judge because that judgment indicates a starting point of self-interest and self-dishonesty.

When and as I see that I am comparing myself to another I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-equality by reminding myself that there is no possible way to fairly compare one human being to another, as each one has had their own experiences, their own challenges, supports, compromises and resources. Even identical twins from the same family can scarcely be compared as each has walked their own internal and external processes. I see, realize and understand that comparison is selective, it filters out the vast majority of the factors that contribute to the current present-moment reality, and thus comparison is not valid, as it does not consider the entirety of the situation at all, it is simply not possible. The only valid action is supporting self and supporting others to reach their own unique potential.

When and as I see that I am moved in any way because of the picture presentation of another, I stop, and I breathe. I take a step back and remind myself that beneath the flesh there is a skeletal structure, and each is identical in this way, thus my interactions with others should not be skin deep, and I see, realize and understand that in speaking to/interacting with the entirety of the person, I am also considering the equal and one functioning of the physical that composes the person, and no amount of judgment can change the fact that we are all simply matter, existing together in a way that is either beneficial or detrimental to existence, we individually and collectively decide, and to judge another by appearance is always detrimental and abusive to self and the other.

I commit myself to see beyond the surface when interacting with others, by considering the entirety of the physical and thus the equality of the physical.

When and as I see that I am seeking validation or approval from others based on appearance in an attempt to change my internal experience of myself, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-equality by reminding myself that this is exactly who I am right now, and any tries or attempts to change this are done in self-dishonesty. I focus on breath and on letting go of the desire to be more or experience myself as more or better than exactly what I am. I stop the drive to avoid exactly what I am, and move myself from Here, as exactly who and how I am, in self-acceptance.

I commit myself to breathe through the desire to be and have more than I am in one moment.

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that any attempt to be more and look better and seek approval and validation from others is an attempt to escape my actual real internal experience, thus perpetuating the cycle. I push myself to continue practicing simply stopping, releasing, and letting go.

The Fear of Being Ugly (part three)


Continuing from my previous self-forgiveness statements, scripting out here my self-corrections and self-commitments to stop the patterns I live that do not support myself nor anything or anyone else, and change them to patterns of self-support that can be lived daily, in every breath:

When and as I see that I am connecting the perception of beauty/beautiful skin with success, relevance, value, acceptance, being liked, enjoying a mate, and joy, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-worth, self-value, actual relevance, actual success, and self-enjoyment, within the realization that anything derived from beauty is as hollow as the starting point it is founded upon, which is opinion and judgment, with no actual basis in Reality, nor consideration for the actual/potential beauty of/as Life, nor a consideration of the forces that Life is confronting in every moment.

I commit myself to walk towards self-worth, self-value, actual relevance, actual success, and self-enjoyment, by clearing my starting point to one that considers myself as Life, equal to everyone else, and one with this physical existence.

When and as I see that my internal environment is being influenced by my self-perception of ‘the way I look’, which I can identify based on how I am reflecting myself back to myself through how I think ‘others’ perceive me, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-acceptance by reminding myself that a breath taken in self-judgment is a breath of potential given away. A simple focus on the breath instead of up in my mind, thinking myself into diminishment, will bring myself back Here, where slef-acceptance is not necessary because self simply IS- Here, Solid, Matter- no judgment required to determine this fact. Thus, breath by breath I either bring myself back to actual matter, where I actually matter, or I give myself away. I decide.

I commit myself to bring myself back to matter, where judgment is not necessary as all matter counts and has equal value, despite what exists in the mind of anyone.

I commit myself to drop and let go of my attachment and relationship to appearance, within the understanding that I am not gaining or losing anything.

When and as I see that I feel I am gaining or losing part of myself based on how I can define myself against my programmed standards, or what I perceive to be society’s standards in terms of how I look, or how I am able to present myself, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to simplicity, wherein all these standards do not really matter. I understand I have to be presentable in order to not create unnecessary consequences for myself, but I can do so with an awareness, and even an enjoyment of expression, without basing my ‘Who I Am’ upon ‘how I look’.

I commit myself to cut through and stand within the veil society creates around the importance of appearance by not defining myself according to what I believe to be society’s standards, but instead defining myself based on my output- my thoughts, words, and deeds.

I commit myself to slow myself down and prove to myself what self-love and self-acceptance truly are, by stopping giving myself away to the pursuit of ‘looking right’ to obtain an experience of myself, as if there were some audience judging me in every moment.

The Fear of Being Ugly (part two)


Continuing from my previous self-forgiveness statements, scripting out here my self-corrections and self-commitments to stop the patterns I live that do not support myself nor anything or anyone else:
When and as I see that I am inspecting myself so thoroughly that I perceive any ‘imperfection’ as a detriment to my value as a human being, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-acceptance within the realization that this type of perfection is unrealistic and unobtainable because the skin is constantly processing and removing toxins and blemishes are a result of the natural functioning of the skin’s processing, and to judge myself and my value upon this is simply the result of what I have programmed within myself of what value is, according to what I observed around me.

I commit myself to walk the process toward self-value based on what I create myself as Here as Life, creating value as Life as my input, thus creating value as Life as my output- wherein my output contribute toward a world that values Life over beauty, glamour, fashions and appearance.

When and as I see that I am being influenced in any way based on my appearance or the appearance of another, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-honesty by reminding myself that I simply cannot judge another unless I had lived their life, I cannot diminish life by judging it through my eyes that have been programmed from a young age through media, advertising, Hollywood, and other environmental influences; including other beings in my environment that had been influenced by the exact same forces, thus confirming to me a false reality that corporations and industries have spent immense resources on creating, while half the world starves.

I commit myself to breathe through my reactions, judgments, thoughts, ideas, perceptions an beliefs when I interact with others, and instead base my interaction from a starting point of equality and oneness, wherein I am equal to the other, and one with them- valuing them as myself.

I commit myself to stand by my principles, if I experience myself in the presence of another that does not value life, but rather diminishes it with ill intentions, to stand within myself by stopping my participation with such individuals until I am no longer influenced by such a character, and can instead stand unconditionally.

When and as I see that I am diminishing myself by thinking myself ugly, or exalting myself by thinking myself beautiful, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-equality within the understanding and realization that such an internal experience is nothing more than a program I created through outside influences since childhood, and that such programs have created massive abuse and inequality by accepting/allowing such externalized judgment to be any kind of indicator of value/worth.

I commit myself to submit myself to equality with/as those I perceive as ugly, and equality with/as those I perceive as beautiful, thus removing the competition in order that we may work together on the actual real problems in the world- common problems for a common people, so that we may experience for the first time, true individuality and true self-expression, instead of the kind we’re used to today, which is purchased from corporations and businesses and is actually nothing more than conformity in all regards.

When and as I feel unworthy within who I am because my picture presentation does not match the pictures in the magazines and on television and movies, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-love and self-equality by reminding myself that beauty has been sold to me as a product in exchange for my actual real value, and that the consumption of this illusion is my choice, and the illusion is not the beauty itself, but the perceived happiness/fulfillment/joy/bliss/importance the beings in the pictures present themselves as, which is obviously not true, and if it were, it would be so in the face of global atrocities and thus complete and utter self-interest with an absolute disregard for life. I realize that did not realize I had a choice, but rather instead trusted my internal energetic experience as separation, as ‘me’ and ‘them’, and longing to experience what ‘they’ experience, instead of ‘US’, working together towards actual solutions for this world- both internal and external.

i commit myself to

When and as I see that I am fearing being ugly, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-acceptance by reminding myself of the absolute self-limitation involved in basing myself on external appearance only.

I commit myself to create and enhance my worth through thought, word and deed.

When and as I see that I fear the way I will be treating due to my appearance, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-stability by reminding myself that the treatment I am receiving from others is the result of their own programming through their own life experience and societal, cultural, and familial influences, equal to and one with how I had been/become, thus realizing it has absolutely Nothing to do with me or who I am, and has entirely to do with mind-processes that disregard the value of Life.

I commit myself to value myself and others as Life, by stopping the conscious or subconscious judgments I have thus far accepted/allowed myself to exist as.

I commit myself to replace judgment with actual self-standing and actual support for myself and others, and to use my judgment only to determine that which is beneficial to Life and that which is not.

The Fear of Being Ugly (part one)


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pick at my skin in order to make it perfect / within the belief that picking will make it perfect and pure and cleansed and free of blemishes like the movie stars on the Hollywood screens and in the magazines, and the flashy happy special people that are exalted above the average human.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive from childhood fairy tales, societal influence and media, that beautiful people are more special and count more, are more worthy and deserve to be happy, while ugly people are bad, mean and ill-intentioned, and they deserve to be shown their place and be gotten rid of, so that beautiful people can continue to exist in bliss.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that if I am ugly, like the ugly ones in the story books and the Disney movies, that I should be perceived as less-than, less-valued and not to be trusted, and thus cast aside and shunned by all because I had been born into such a role through having been born ugly. And within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that if I am born beautiful, I am exalted, I would deserve the respect, appreciation and admiration of all, simply for gracing the earth as my mere presence of beauty, living a life in abundance and bliss.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being ugly, within the idea, perception and belief that if I am ugly, I will not succeed, I will not be liked, I will be alone and cast aside, ostracized and valueless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to be beautiful with perfect skin, within the thought/idea/perception/belief that that it is a basic necessity for success, for relevance, for value, acceptance, being liked, enjoying company and a mate, and living a life of value and joy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place value on, and to define myself based on the external reactions of society, individuals, cultures and organizations, media, etc… in order to indicate to me whether I am successful, acceptable, likeable, respected, relevant, allowed to experience enjoyment, based on appearance only, and how closely it happens to be aligned to the accepted type of beauty at that time, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I am able to give myself these things by earning them through merit, within and as self-creation of and as a self that supports and honours myself as Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have ever separated myself as who and how I am based on who and how society, culture, upbringing, individuals, media etc… have defined me, or how I have perceived them to have defined me, based on the worldview I had created, and my understanding of my place within it, without ever having taken the self-responsibility to show and prove to myself, that I love and honour mySELF, no matter how my physical picture presentation looks.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have judged others, in having admired the beauty of others and having exalted them above myself, having wished to look like them and not look like myself, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have judged myself as paling in comparison to the beautiful, picking myself apart and trying to remove every flaw, within the though/idea/perception/belief that if only I were beautiful: my experience of myself would change

Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others as ugly, and believe my judgment so thoroughly that I would treat them differently within the thought/perception/idea/belief that they are experiencing all those things I fear, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as hideous and ugly because my self-experienced was more aligned with that which I had believed, thought of and thus created that an ugly person should experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create myself as my perceived ideal of an ugly person (ostracized, disliked, unsuccessful, etc…), because I had been called ugly, or because I had not been called beautiful.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to thus then strive to be beautiful, to study what it takes and what it means to be beautiful, and to manipulate and contort myself to fit this idea and ideal of beauty- all in an attempt to change my internal experience only.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place the responsibility for my internal experience, upon my external environment, which does not have my best interest at heart, and in which I do not have decision-making ability,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my perception of myself based on my perception of how I am being treated in my life and world, and based on the fact that I still did not feel accepted, liked, successful, adored, respected admired etc…. I concluded that I was not enough, not beautiful enough, not shiny enough, not special enough, and within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly and continuously judge myself and created even more inner turmoil, friction and displeasure within and as me, thus perpetuating the entire cycle of self-rejection, self-hate, self-diminishment, and self-loathing to the point where, I would simply feel inadequate and unworthy within my environment and towards those around me.

In this, I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand – how interesting it is that, I was attempting to and trying to through picking ‘make myself more beautiful’ within the starting-point Polarity of me experiencing myself as ‘ugly’; not seeing realizing and understanding that “who you are is what you create/manifest” and so with me picking in/as the starting point of/as ‘me as ugly’ – I was actually contributing MORE to/as confirming my starting-point of/as ‘me as ugly’ as I would actually in fact compromise my body MORE.

The Thoughts that Create My Own Prison


Within this blog I am looking at one aspect of how I create an internal environment that I trap myself within, and that I accept and allow to become a force that overruns my life. Similar to working on taking down the bars of a prison, one by one, working through it until it is no longer a prison cell at all. Herein, I am taking apart the aspect of avoidance and not taking responsibility for simple things in my world, which creates reactions inside of me that become so unbearable that I have actually created and manifested a disorder wherein I would constantly pick at my skin as a release from my own creation, but which at the same time feeds that disorder, thus continuing it within and as a vicious cycle.

This blog is continued from my previous two blogs.

Skin-Picking and the Self-Fulfilling Prophecy

Moving Mountains

When and as I see that there is any kind of movement within me in relation to facing an obligation/responsibility/task/chore, I immediately stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-movement within the awareness and realization that any reactions I accept or allow towards an obligation/responsibility/task/chore stays with me, and as I linger within it, I feed it with energy and attention, I’m accepting and allowing it to bog me down, accumulating over time to an overwhelmingly reactive state which feeds and fuels obsessive compulsive disorder/dermatillomania within my life and world.

I realize that within making the decision to walk through the disorder entails me stopping my acceptances and allowances, and stopping the accumulation of reactions to/towards obligations/responsibilities/tasks/chores, and instead stepping up and seeing them through.
I commit myself to begin tasks in a timely manner, and to see them through in order to expand myself as self-movement, self-trust and discipline
I commit myself to stop the movement that happens within me connected to the thought of facing a obligation/responsibility/task/chore, and I commit myself to, in that exact moment, instead move myself to begin the obligation/responsibility/task/chore, and to also see it through.

When and as I feel the backchat come up within me: “maybe someone else will do it for me”, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-direction by reminding myself that following that backchat or internal conversation is complete disempowerment and self-sabotage; I can’t depend upon others to face myself for me, or make it easier for me, or allow me to ‘get out of the work’. As I’ve already pointed out in my other blogs: I’m not actually ‘getting out of’ anything- what I’m actually doing is creating more reactions and instability in my life and world by not learning how to do things for myself, and not growing and developing myself through challenging myself, but instead building up reactions as energies within me which eventually contribute to take me over, and contribute to OCD. Within this, I see, realize and understand that it’s never really about the actual task itself, it’s all actually about my reaction towards the task. So when I accept and allow the internal conversation “maybe someone else will do it”, or “I hope somebody else will come along and do it for me”; what I am actually stating is “maybe/I hope I don’t have to face myself and walk through my own self-created internal state/environment/resistances.” Within this, I am actually accepting and allowing the internal environment that I myself created through so easily accepting and allowing the backchat “I don’t want to do it/maybe someone else will come along and do it for me”, become the force that direct my life and Who and How I am within it, and this is NOT acceptable.

Therefore, when and as is feel the slightest movement/flash/idea/hope/image of the internal conversation “maybe someone will come and do it for me,” I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-direction within the understanding that at that moment I am standing at a cross-roads, with a choice between self-expansion or self-compromise: The choice is consequences or solution: doing the responsibility and EXPANDING me, or not doing them and building energy and leading myself to picking my skin/OCD/depression.

I commit myself to choose self-expansion and LIFE over and above OCD/skin picking/stagnation/self-diminishment, by choosing to stop the pattern before it starts, as soon as I feel the movement beginning a resistance within and as me.
I commit myself to face and walk through the resistances that I create by not catching them before their creation process.

I commit myself to take responsibility for that which I create within/as myself, instead of accepting/allowing it to over-take me and become the driving force in my life.

Moving Mountains


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to develop a relationship to/towards responsibilities/tasks/chores/obligations- turning it into a separate entity which I think/believe/perceive I do not have access to the resources to possibly work through it/take care of it/move it- creating the experience of a giant boulder in my path, wherein I perceive myself as too small/incapable/inadequate to ever possibly move it.


When and as a task/responsibility/chore/obligation comes up in my world, and I see that I am beginning to mind-process it instead of actually MOVE on it, I immediately stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to the reality of the situation by reminding myself that a boulder in my path represents a physical impossibility, whereas, the vast majority of the obstacles (tasks/responsibilities/chores) I face on a daily basis are actually quite doable, and it is rare that I’m actually faced with a task/chore/responsibility that is a physical impossibility.

I would point out to myself that I used the word ‘obstacle’ interchangeably with the words task/chore/responsibility/obligation. This makes me question, what exactly do I perceive the task/chore/responsibility/obligation as getting in the way of? Tasks, chores obligations and responsibilities are a necessary part of everyday life- no matter what. So what is it that I feel I am being prevented from doing or being, by the requirement to perform/accomplish/move through tasks, chores and responsibilities?

In self-honesty, I can see that it is this absolute drifting state, where I would simply drift from one thing to the next, not really ever disciplining myself or dedicating or committing myself to any one thing- really just pursuing likes and avoiding dislikes, which I have already sorted out in These Blogs:

Day 124- Pursuing Likes and Avoiding Dislikes Is Not Really Living


Day 130- The Pursuit of Happiness


I see now that I did/do not feel capable of walking the task/chore/responsibility/obligation through to the end. I would then avoid it for this reason, manifesting my own internal overwhelmingness towards responsibilities, tasks, obligations and chores, etc… by blowing them way out of proportion and then avoiding them. So what I see I can make a slight adjustment within the realization that occupying myself with avoiding tasks/chores/responsibilities and dealing with consequences actually creates much more work/obstacles/overwhelmingness than simply addressing them and walking through them step by step- Addressing the task/chore/responsibility/obligation, and seeing it through, actually takes the least amount of energy participation, and would generate the least amount of energetic reactions that I have thus far been accumulating and allowing to overpower me.

So the choice is actually quite simple, and the truth is quite clear to me now. I would have to be really very self-dishonest to fool myself into thinking/believing/perceiving that avoiding responsibilities/tasks/chores is in any way the ‘easy way out’.

So, from this point on, I will practice the practical application of, in the moment of facing a task, simply move into it without first creating relationships to/towards it which creates and manifest the experience of facing a giant boulder. Realizing that NOT taking responsibility in this case is how I place impossible boulders in my path, and so as easily as I have drifted in to ‘avoidance mode’, I can and will direct myself into ‘application mode’, where I calmly and gently push myself to walk right through the impossible boulder- as it was only ever smoke and mirrors created in my mind in the first place.

Peeking Under the Bandaide


This video discusses the situation where we have a bandaide covering a wound, and we have the urge to take a peek underneath, but we are doing so from the starting point of having the ‘urge to pick’… where we KNOW we will pick at it again, only making it worse, risking infection and scarring.

Important points in the video:

  • How to approach the situation
  • How to use decision-making to hack the skin-pick cycle and build some resolve by taking a stand.
  • The difference between a ‘compulsive decision’, and a ‘decision made in awareness’.
  • How this develops self-authority.
  • How, when we are in the compulsive-state, we are skewing our reality and not really in control of ourselves (can’t trust ourselves in this moment).
  • How this can build towards re-directing yourself in the face of future urges.
  • Why the small moments are actually HUGE.

To watch the video, click here: Peeking Under the Bandaide


Skin-Picking and the Self-Fulfilling Prophecy


I had a possession experience; one where I reached a point that I am normally not able to pull myself out from- one which would normally lead to a skin-picking ‘lock-down’, or depression, or both. It was triggered by the simple fact that I had a couple of responsibilities that I was required to tend to, and which could have some significant consequences if I didn’t.

I felt it coming and the pull to pick my skin became stronger until I was ‘in the position’ of an skin-picking session, but instead I moved myself to get ready and I left the house. As I was driving I was forgiving the experience out loud and as I began to dig a little deeper it was not coming through clearly. What I was experiencing was a mixture anxiety, fear, and perhaps anger.

In this situation I felt anxiety because I had left the responsibilities to the last minute, and now if anything went wrong I would not have time to fix it. I left it to the last minute because of procrastination due to building the thing up in my mind as an unconquerable task, and became anxious and stresses to the point of stagnation.

I felt anger because I had ‘done it again’ in terms of compromising myself by leaving things to the last minute, thus creating an even bigger deal out of the responsibilities by avoiding them, instead of having simply dealt with them earlier.

I felt fear because I didn’t want others to see that I didn’t get it together, because I have this perception of how others see me that I want to maintain in order to believe it is true, and if anything went wrong with either of these responsibilities, my cover would be blown and I would be exposed as my real truth: that I am still participating in this irresponsible pattern that does not create myself as an individual that can be depended on and trusted.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to leave responsibilities to last minute, in an effort to avoid having to do them, thus creating a compromised situation or myself by not having enough time, creating chaos and uncertainty in my world, and repeating a pattern that creates myself as someone I cannot trust to get things done, or depend on to be able to move myself to take responsibility in my life and world, which builds up inside me and leads me to pick my skin as an escape.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid and procrastinate from taking care of the responsibilities I have committed to, within the hopes that someone else will come along and do it for me, thus giving my power away and sabotaging my self-relationship and the self-trust that I require to build and prove over time, but until that is done, I do not have a foundation to stand on for when I am draw into skin-picking, and so I fall every time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid and procrastinate from taking care of responsibilities that I don’t completely know how to do, and instead of simply beginning to accomplish them by taking the first step, I build them up in my mind and worry about them, and I create ideas that I will not be able to get through them and I will fail, and within my avoidance and procrastination from actually dealing with the responsibility, I hope someone else will do it, or that it will somehow work itself out without my intervention, instead of empowering myself to move through the responsibility step by step- asking for assistance whenever I run into an obstacle I cannot overcome, so that I‘m contributing to building my self-trust and dependability each time I have a responsibility. Wherein each time I have responsibilities to tend to, what I also have is an opportunity to strengthen my self-trust and resolve, by showing myself that I can in fact stick to the commitment, and walk through the responsibility to the best of my ability.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid and procrastinate from taking care of responsibilities, and hoping someone else will do it for me like waiting for a saviour, thus creating a powerlessness and helplessness within and as me, where I think/believe/perceive that I simply can’t do it, and I am unable, and instead of proving to myself that I can in fact do it by actually doing it, I simply believe my thoughts/ideas/perceptions and beliefs, and the energy connected to them, within the logic of, ‘because I think ‘I can’t do it,’ and feel like ‘I can’t do it;’ it must be true,’ instead of using common sense to actually test myself in reality, to see if it is true or not, showing myself that I can save myself. I can pick myself up. I can be there for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create and manifest powerlessness and helplessness within and as me, through allowing others in my world to ‘do it for me’, or simply not taking responsibility and allowing it to ‘work itself out’, which creates the chaos of anxiety and uncertainty, instead of taking the initiative to do it for myself and prove to myself that I can do it, thus actually creating self-empowerment, instead of creating helplessness and powerlessness through inaction and giving up.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid taking responsibility for myself, and then fear the consequences of not doing so.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make the decision to not take self-responsibility, and to avoid doing the responsibilities I have to do because I have built them up to be something more than I think I can handle, and then fear the consequences of having done so, because this cycle brings it to point where it is beyond my control, actually creating the negative consequences I was projecting.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to bring tasks/responsibilities to the point where they are beyond my control, wherein, I bring them to the point where I can only barely get them done, but within and through my non-action, I have accepted and allowed the point to grow and fester and become something that I cannot possibly take responsibility for because it becomes ‘too late’, and then I can use the excuse that I ‘couldn’t possible do anything’, ‘it was beyond my control’, it was ‘bigger than me’/’too great for me,’ when in fact

I created the entire situation through my deliberate non-action through self-dis-empowerment and helplessness.

I can recall this pattern from when I was younger, wherein it would manifest as a messy room, not completing my homework and assignments, and not pulling my own weight by doing household chores. Within this, there is quite a simplistic pattern within which I create energy in relation to, for example, responsibilities, where I, in a moment of facing consequence that I know I created, would then REACT to MY OWN consequence, and then use this reaction to justify/validate/excuse skin-picking. So the pattern I am exposing to myself here, is not taking responsibility for obligations, then accumulating reactions towards not doing it/postponing/procrastinating (wherein I would feel bad/irritable/uncomfortable/down on myself/low self-esteem/worthless etc….), and from this building up all these reactions into an Energy (like the ‘white noise’ as a constant background anxiety), and then to a point where I use that energy to pick, thus in essence, using this pattern as a deliberate way to deliberately create energy for picking.

The SOLUTION to this would be to, instead of waiting for responsibilities, to DO them, and not build up the energy in reaction to obligation, but to get things done- really walk step-by-step and breath by breath, because I see that if I miss a step/miss a moment- my mind so easily goes into that reaction. In this way, I can ensure that I don’t deliberately use obligations/responsibilities to react to them and NOT do them then lea myself into the temptation of skin-picking. The choice is consequences or solution: doing the responsibility and EXPANDING me, or not doing them and building energy and leading myself to picking my skin/OCD/depression.

Compulsive Skin-Picking: What is Makeup Really Covering Up? (part two)


Within my last blog I have been looking at the use of makeup to cover up the damage done by compulsive skin picking (CSP). I’m looking at the application of makeup within which we would cover up the results, outflows or physical consequences of the disorder, in order to walk through our daily lives without having to deal with the reactions that those in our lives and worlds may have towards the blemishes, cuts, scars and sores caused by the disorder.

Within this, it is very obvious to me that covering up the results/outflow/physical consequences of the disorder is in no way any kind of treatment of the disorder, in fact, it mostly serves to further suppress the manifestation of dermatillomania/excoriation obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) and CSP, by allowing ourselves to not have to face ourselves within it, and not have to face the consequences.
There is certainly a layer of avoidance of others and the reactions of others that I will address later, but what is more relevant is that facing others is most prominently a reflection of how we feel about ourselves.

In covering up the consequences of the disorder it becomes like a secret, wherein, if no one knows about it, it seems like less of a problem, and we can then continue to deny it, hide it, suppress it and continue on with our daily lives. However, within this we fail to see, realize and understand that all day long we are busy creating internal experiences.

In our daily lives and within the relationships we’ve developed with everything in our worlds, and within the reactions, ideas, perceptions and beliefs we continue to participate in on a daily basis, we are constantly and continuously creating the internal environment that causes the skin-picking in the first place.

There is no escaping this. There is only either facing it, or suppression. Obviously, and as I’ve mentioned, suppression will never work. No matter how good the concealer is, no matter how potent the medication, no matter how positive the attitude, the disorder will always manage to rear its ugly head, because we haven’t dealt with the root. I’m not saying to not test these things out for yourself, what I am saying is do everything you can to support yourself, but don’t ignore the roots.

I want to look at this within the structure of problem/solution/reward in order to illustrate the common sense in summoning the will power and strength and all the other qualities we will need to face this, because this is not a task for the light of heart.We need to strengthen ourselves in new ways, and this is totally do-able!

Thankfully, all the qualities needed to face this disorder are qualities that can be built within anyone, and this can be done through the process of self-forgiveness, self-commitment, and self-corrective application- by starting small, taking it step by step, and slowly building the resolve, the patience, and eventually the self-will, self-movement and self-direction that one would need to manage this all-consuming disorder, and crate a higher quality of life. It is not only possible, but it is possible for anyone.

Continuing with the structure of problem/solution/reward: The problem is the disorder itself, OCD/derma/excoriation itself, the internal experience as well as whatever physical expression it happens to manifest itself as within each one’s life. It diminishes the quality of life and the quality of each moment, wherein, moments of actual self-expression, enjoyment, and moments where one is actually moving oneself to create a life worth living, are so few and far between, that life becomes more like something to be endured.

The internal manifestation is like a constant struggle and a complete and utter submission to the absolute possession of this disorder. The anxiety, discomfort, fear, anger, irritability, frustration, despair, turmoil and exhaustion that manifests as a result of being completely consumed, enslaved and controlled by this disorder will dominate one’s life, with the only escape being just that: escape. Escaping through distraction, or through polarity, wherein one becomes almost bi-polar, doing really really well for a small amount of time, and then experiencing the great fall, back into the toxicity of skin-picking.

Or: escape through medication in some instances (e.g. n if you take medication and change nothing else, or do not accompany it with therapy/self-understanding etc…) or substance abuse, or through completely submitting to the disorder, really becoming consumed and possessed by it, and experiencing that brief moment of relief, and then covering the results up with makeup and ‘pretending’ like it never happened.

This escape is not real, because whether consciously or subconsciously, we all know it’s still there, and it will be back, and we will go back there, back to the disorder and the temporary release it allows. What is interesting within this is that it reveals the fact that the disorder is both the cause of, and release/relief from the symptoms- the perfect vicious cycle. At any rate, this is not living, and this is the problem.

The solution would be to face the disorder, to stop denying and suppressing it, and to become aware of it completely in terms of how it is affecting us and playing out in our lives. And to stand up from within it, to become One with it, and equal to it, and to change as it. We cannot change ourselves if we deny the fact that we exist within and as a disorder. We cannot change ourselves if we treat the disorder as a separate entity from ourselves, to be treated separately,  and we cannot change ourselves in a substantial way if we don’t walk through the steps we have taken over time to create and manifest this disorder within ourselves.

The process of self-forgiveness is a solution to this disorder that has been missed. It stands as the power that SELF has within self. It is a tool that can be used to trace back the steps of how we have created ourselves in the first place, by bringing history into the present moment, by self-honestly looking at what’s really going on within ourselves and how we are dealing, or NOT dealing with our lives and worlds, and the internal reactions to it all. It also supports to see self clearly, let go, and change.

We have created ourselves as we are today, by repeating the same cycles and relationships that we imprinted upon ourselves as children. This has been shown to me time and time again as I trace back current issues in my world, and it always leads back to myself having planted the seed in childhood. Seeds which took root and grew. Seeds which I was not aware that I was nurturing my whole life through how I was living, thinking, reacting and assessing.

So, it’s to now look at where and how the seed was planted, and how and why it was nurtured throughout the years, until, for example with skin-picking, it finally grew into something seemingly more great, and more powerful than me . It may be a ‘big’, ‘grown up’, adult’ problem at this stage, but the patterns and habits that it consists of have merely matured and grown with me, and can be dismantled into what is sometimes a very child-like mentality that I still live out on a daily basis. This is how we bring history into the present moment.

This entire process has been done by ourselves, to ourselves, and therefore can only be undone by ourselves. Others play a role, yes. But when we take responsibility for ourselves WITH others, how we react to them, and take it all within us, we give ourselves ALL the power.

This is why it is a process to now undo it, instead of it happening all in one moment. And this is why it is called SELF-forgiveness. We forGIVE ourselves back to ourselves, release the past and plant new seeds.

The benefit of this is to be able to actually Live for Real. To express ourselves and Who We Really Are, and finding out what we in fact Can Be.

We can actually Live, instead of constantly wearing a mask, such as a mask of makeup, covering up what we are hiding from , or what we think we are hiding from , but which has actually at this point been consuming us the entire time.

And within standing up within ourselves, we can also stand up within the world, and stand for what we will and will not accept and allow. Where we can actually breathe, and create and develop relationships of support, and be strong enough to stop the current abusive relationships we create within our lives and worlds.

We can make changes that benefit us, and start to work towards creating a Life where we are honoured as Life, equally to everyone else, not more, and not less.

We can take our decision-making ability BACK, and start making decisions that take into consideration the entirety of ourselves and not just the action of skin-picking and the damage it does.

So, to bring the topic back to makeup, and the application of cover-up, concealer and foundation in order to create the image of ‘normalcy’, if that even exists, I had to go through the entire process and understanding in order to now discuss how and why I developed the way in which I have found that makeup can also act as a practical support.

For me, my process with makeup has been to first prove to myself that I accept myself no matter how I look.

This began when I shaved my head, and faced the word and myself without hair.

What I showed myself was that I was still in fact able to accept myself. I saw that I could accept myself even when others in my world could not accept me because I now had no hair.

For me, it revealed just as much about them as it did about myself, and I saw that other people’s judgment of me had absolutely nothing to do with Who I Am as a human being.

At the same time, I walked the process of makeup. I had been applying makeup daily for years, especially when I would leave the house. If I wasn’t wearing makeup, I was usually doing so because I wanted to give my face a break, and it was a point of allowing my skin to breathe. Without makeup I would find myself avoiding people or cringing within myself when people would see me and my blemishes. Through the process of self-forgiveness, I learned to forgive myself, accept myself and breathe through these cringing and withdrawing reactions, until one day, I remember, I was able to sit and talk with my husband, without any makeup, with the sun shining on my face, and I had no reactions, only self-acceptance as: this is who I am right now, this is how I look, this is what I’ve done, and I accept me.

Since then. I have worn makeup again, but when I wear makeup now, I do so from a point of stability. I have NOT transcended the point of dermatillomania and CSP. I still have marks and blemishes and scars and all that, and I know I WILL be judged by it. This judgment, especially at my work place, can have consequences for me that are unnecessary.

I saw how people reacted when I shaved my head and I actually lost a relationship because of it. So, I do not want to compromise myself by needlessly exposing myself in every moment. I understand that I have to play a certain ‘acceptable’ role in public life in the society I exist within, especially at work. So I wear makeup, and I wear concealer if I need to do so in order to play the role that will be most supportive for me.

However, when I apply makeup, I do so within absolute awareness of what I have done and Who I Am behind the makeup. I accept myself and my flaws and the fact that I am working through a disorder, and I can say this with complete confidence because my application has recently been tested when I forgot my makeup in a friend’s car, and went for three days without it. I went work without a trace of makeup (and I had blemishes and all), and I experienced no reactions within me whatsoever.

In fact, when she came over with it in a bag, I had no idea what she was giving me, because I had completely forgotten that I didn’t have it. This showed me that my change was real, that I had in fact walked the point through and was stable within who I am without makeup.

This way, I know makeup is not a crutch, but rather a practical support, not to hide behind, but to play the role I need to play in this society where disorders are judged and there can be consequences because of it.

In my next blog, I will begin to walk some points within self-forgiveness, as I walk myself towards become the solution to OCD for and as myself.